My darling sweethearts

This was on of my absolute favorite shoots of my two children together.

On this day we were going to be going through our daddys things later that evening. It was 3 months since he had died. Jaxon had just done some modeling for Tortoise and the Hare and we were excited to use these matching outfits and spend some time at the lake (Blue Marsh). The children still talk about this lake and when can we go back? They do not talk about the rest of the night, and i feel like maybe in their memory the one great thing over rode the one bad thing. This was the one and only time Jaxon bit me (he never bit anyone else), and i know he was upset and grieving. And it dawned on me then, what all his little heart must be going through that he just cannot put into words. A mother is that person. Your children will come to you at their lowest and worst moments, and probably you are the only person they will show that side of themselves. I’m grateful that my children can fall apart around me. They certainly get to see the worst side of me as well. So glad we have each other. So glad it was them. These two. My little world changers. I love them so much.

And i’m including a letter here that was written a long while later. On the one year anniversary of my husband’s death. To my children:

dated 8.2.19

Dear Jaxon and Emma,

Here we are kiddos. One year since your daddy died. I’ve decided to start writing you letters of promise and blessing that you can read and re-read when life seems hard. Listen closely to what i say. Remember these words when you doubt who you are. When you feel lost or like you are losing your way. Remember. Look Back. Reflect.

God is everything. He has been so good to us. He kept us safe all this time, my precious babies. And now God is keeping daddy safe for us in heaven. We will see Daddy again before you know it. I don’t ever tell you this because i know it’s hard to understand. But, when you die – or when Mommy dies- Daddy will be the first person we will see. Jesus will take us right to him and he will be so happy to see us. Never be afraid of death, rather live your life to the fullest. Always choose adventure, always choose contentment and happiness.

The two of you have loved your mommy through some very hard days. Your little lives give me perspective and energy and so much joy! Jaxon, you are now 3.5 and Emma you are 2.5 – each others best friends. Always stay close to me and each other. Let’s say sorry all the time so we are not mad and let’s be patient so we feel safe to talk about anything. I’m so proud of you both. I love you both with all my heart. Lean on Jesus and He will help you do all the great things He has carved out for you.

Dream. Imagine. Be Free!

Much love, Mommy

“My soul can find no staircase to heaven unless it be through Earth’s loveliness.”

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